I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize