Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
