My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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