P.S. I can't hear my feet
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
