Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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