my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
