he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
