i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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