no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Never underestimate the power of titties
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
