So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
