i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
