he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
