People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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