i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
