I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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