I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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