I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
soo... how was my night?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
