im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
