I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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