nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
