i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Jerry, you need to find god
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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