kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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