When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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