someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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