Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
