I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
