So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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