How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
