you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
