Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
