There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize