It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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