question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
