you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
