Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
