Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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