**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
