I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
