I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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