Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Randomize
