roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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