they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
