You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
