Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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