hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
