My first STD was from a foam party
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
