If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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