found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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