Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
