I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
How's work?
Spinning.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
