I have demons in me.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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