8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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