im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
