im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
BRING THE BAGELS
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
We are all done wearing pants today
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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