So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize