she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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