My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
