I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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