An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
